Monday, October 22, 2012
Day 3 "Why can't you be more aware, dammit??"
So Friday was supposed to be day 3, but then I had some issues with the shopping for the weekend, pumpkin projects and whatnot, so the Yoga and such got swapped for couch time and more chocolate. Could have been worse, could have gotten out boyfriend Captain Morgan and gotten blitzed or something of that sort.
The weekend was a good change for me. I usually never do 2 rest days in a row (ja, I know), so having both Saturday and Sunday off-off was a new and slightly unsettling experience. Spent it with lovely people and realized I need more of that. And I did not end up gaining 10 lbs from eating cake and not working out. Hm.
So the awareness thing.
I know I still have a long way to go, but when I compare to a few years ago when I'd get out of the shower realizing I'd only shaved one leg, I've made some good progress.
I notice more, and that's not always a good thing. I also notice more of what others do, and that's not always a good thing either. And it takes a rapid turn for the worse when the other person is very unappreciative of my heightened awareness.
Such as the light issue.
Ever since being a Yoga student in a small Alabama studio where the whole "be present and mindful thing" started with how you treat your props in class, I started paying more attention to how I just treat things in my life. Figured that was an easy entry level task to do.
So I'd pay attention to say, closing doors or turning off lights... and got big on turning off lights. So if the other person's response to my asking "Could you be more aware and notice you left on the lights" ("for the m*therf*ing 10th time"- of course I do not say this out loud, but I sure think it) is "Well, then I'll just install motion sensors and I'll never have to worry about turning off lights" I just want to drown my heightened awareness with the aforementioned Captain M.
Now you're supposed to be present without judging (easy in a Yoga class, hard at home with people who'd rather set foot in a 4x4 vehicle than a Yoga mat) and the trouble begins. That is why I want do 3 workout sessions per day. And if I get myself injured, I guarantee I can find a body part I could still work out. That means I don't have to deal with myself, notice how I feel, notice that the muscles of my upper traps feel like rocks.
Today I was so aggravated, I skipped Yoga practice and went for an hour long bike ride instead. Came home sweaty and depleted. Did I feel better? No. But I was too tired to get upset or worked up about the things going on here.
So the plan for tomorrow- try again. Day 4, Yoga day.
Now- I'll go and do a down dog at the kitchen sink.
The weekend was a good change for me. I usually never do 2 rest days in a row (ja, I know), so having both Saturday and Sunday off-off was a new and slightly unsettling experience. Spent it with lovely people and realized I need more of that. And I did not end up gaining 10 lbs from eating cake and not working out. Hm.
So the awareness thing.
I know I still have a long way to go, but when I compare to a few years ago when I'd get out of the shower realizing I'd only shaved one leg, I've made some good progress.
I notice more, and that's not always a good thing. I also notice more of what others do, and that's not always a good thing either. And it takes a rapid turn for the worse when the other person is very unappreciative of my heightened awareness.
Such as the light issue.
Ever since being a Yoga student in a small Alabama studio where the whole "be present and mindful thing" started with how you treat your props in class, I started paying more attention to how I just treat things in my life. Figured that was an easy entry level task to do.
So I'd pay attention to say, closing doors or turning off lights... and got big on turning off lights. So if the other person's response to my asking "Could you be more aware and notice you left on the lights" ("for the m*therf*ing 10th time"- of course I do not say this out loud, but I sure think it) is "Well, then I'll just install motion sensors and I'll never have to worry about turning off lights" I just want to drown my heightened awareness with the aforementioned Captain M.
Now you're supposed to be present without judging (easy in a Yoga class, hard at home with people who'd rather set foot in a 4x4 vehicle than a Yoga mat) and the trouble begins. That is why I want do 3 workout sessions per day. And if I get myself injured, I guarantee I can find a body part I could still work out. That means I don't have to deal with myself, notice how I feel, notice that the muscles of my upper traps feel like rocks.
Today I was so aggravated, I skipped Yoga practice and went for an hour long bike ride instead. Came home sweaty and depleted. Did I feel better? No. But I was too tired to get upset or worked up about the things going on here.
So the plan for tomorrow- try again. Day 4, Yoga day.
Now- I'll go and do a down dog at the kitchen sink.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Day 3. Not a bitchfest
I started out with such good intentions. Like keeping it fairly neutral, just logging yoga sessions and reading, noticing any changes and clarifying my thoughts.
Then life got in the way, in the form of douchebags who tell lies about their fatal illness (yes, really), pictures of torn apart chickens in my Facebook newsfeed (go vegan, I guess is the message) to (today) a shocking picture of an abused and raped dog. I'm not going to discuss that one anymore, let's just say it took me the better part of the last hour to get over that image.
Umm, yea, I was supposed to write something about compassion and empathy, at least that's what I've been mulling over.
You chat with someone and they'll say something that just really hits home. Such as a question about compassion and empathy.
I'll pause right here until I've gathered my thoughts enough to put them into words and do a link instead:
http://zenhabits.net/a-guide-to-cultivating-compassion-in-your-life-with-7-practices/
Positive reading for the day, posted by Craig Ballantyne:
If you are not making someone else's life better, then you are wasting your time. Your life will become better by making other people's lives better. - Will Smith
Trying.
Yoga- not yet. Tired from this morning. I feel so stuck, on so many levels. Zumba was fun, but as soon as I'm on my own things go south again. Messed around in the weight room for an hour without any notable results before going off and teaching the Core class. I've been deadlifting the same damn 60kg for 6 repetitions for the last 6 weeks, and not a thing has changed. It feels like my life is just like those freaking deadlifts. I try different strategies. I do 15 repetitions with 40kg, then 6 with 60, finally 10 with 50. I try them on one leg. I do stretches. I use barbells, cables or dumbbells. Nothing. 6 repetitions with 60 kg. That's it.
To write something positive- I absolutely love teaching my classes. Some are hard work, but then others, like the Friday one, bring me joy and I can just be who I want to be. I am actually happy when I teach.
Will add the yoga stuff later.
Then life got in the way, in the form of douchebags who tell lies about their fatal illness (yes, really), pictures of torn apart chickens in my Facebook newsfeed (go vegan, I guess is the message) to (today) a shocking picture of an abused and raped dog. I'm not going to discuss that one anymore, let's just say it took me the better part of the last hour to get over that image.
Umm, yea, I was supposed to write something about compassion and empathy, at least that's what I've been mulling over.
You chat with someone and they'll say something that just really hits home. Such as a question about compassion and empathy.
I'll pause right here until I've gathered my thoughts enough to put them into words and do a link instead:
http://zenhabits.net/a-guide-to-cultivating-compassion-in-your-life-with-7-practices/
Positive reading for the day, posted by Craig Ballantyne:
If you are not making someone else's life better, then you are wasting your time. Your life will become better by making other people's lives better. - Will Smith
Trying.
Yoga- not yet. Tired from this morning. I feel so stuck, on so many levels. Zumba was fun, but as soon as I'm on my own things go south again. Messed around in the weight room for an hour without any notable results before going off and teaching the Core class. I've been deadlifting the same damn 60kg for 6 repetitions for the last 6 weeks, and not a thing has changed. It feels like my life is just like those freaking deadlifts. I try different strategies. I do 15 repetitions with 40kg, then 6 with 60, finally 10 with 50. I try them on one leg. I do stretches. I use barbells, cables or dumbbells. Nothing. 6 repetitions with 60 kg. That's it.
To write something positive- I absolutely love teaching my classes. Some are hard work, but then others, like the Friday one, bring me joy and I can just be who I want to be. I am actually happy when I teach.
Will add the yoga stuff later.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Disclaimer
So this blog is just there to log my progress (hopefully), keep me on track and help me sort out some thoughts..it will not always be politically correct, might contain language that some may perceive as inappropriate, but it's my page. And that is that.
Chocolate speaks the international language of love
"Chocolate speaks the international language of love".
That's what my chocolate wrapper said. Seriously, who comes up with shit like that?
Chocolate-love...food-emotion connection is just not good. I mean, it's just food, right?
Judith Lasater had a thing to say there too: "Maybe we crave sweet things to eat when we have lost touch with the sweetness of life itself. Jai!"
As a trainer, I've been able to look at food as fuel and was generally un-emphathetic when clients would share how they "fell off the wagon" over the weekend or ended up at Mc D's drive through after a stressful day at work.
I guess I am "lucky" that my orthorexic tendencies don't allow me to go near a Mc Donald's, but that still doesn't stop me from grabbing pieces of chocolate here and there or picking out the chocolate bits from the kid's Special K cereal. Because, you know, when you eat just little pieces the calories don't really count. Ha.
I'm maintaining my weight since I workout so much, but I can't let go of the thought that Judith is right, as usual.
Have not practiced yoga yet- I'd love to have my yoga room back, but that probably won't happen in the near future.
Edit- Yoga practice completed. Half an hour, just seated easy stuff with a couple of down dogs. I caught myself thinking "oh, I should really practice XY (insert challenging, wobbly, sweat inducing pose here)", but I'm proud to log a "taking care of myself" practice session.
Reading for the day: "How to Do Yoga With Your Soul" from "Light on Life"- BKS Iyengar
In asana [yoga postures] and pranayama [breathing] practice, we should have the impression we are working on the outer to get close to the inner reality of our existence. This is true. We work from the periphery to the core. The material body has a practical reality that is accessible. It is here and now, and we can do something with it. However, we must not forget that the innermost part of our being is also trying to help us. It wants to come out to the surface and express itself.
In the example of triangle pose (Trikonasana), we notice that, because of the relationship of the posture with out anatomy, we all fall into the same traps. Our body seems to be trying to collapse forward to the floor. Our body does not want to open itself in the way we see in a perfectly expressed asana. So we apply ourselves and learn the adjustments that will cause the whole body to open. We extend and redress our arm, lengthen the chest, and open the pelvis. But we also, in the process of applied learning, open our mind and intelligence. An opening is like a doorway, and there is no such thing as a doorway that you can only go through one way. Yes, we are trying to penetrate in, but what is trying to come out to meet us? It is the light of the innermost sheath of bliss (ananda), which means to shine out. Normally we are like a shuttered lantern; our light within invisible. As we create opening, this draws back the shutter, and the light of the lamp shines out.
In this regard, we should also consider how the heart of nature (prakrti) is also willing to help us. The very life force of nature is an initiating power (prerana), a driving force, an incitement to creation. It hears our call and responds to it in proportion to the valor and determined intent with which it is invoked. It responds to the exercise of our willpower, so that an intense aspirant will receive higher benefits than a mild one. There is a saying that “God helps those who help themselves.” This is also true of nature.
When you do the asana correctly, the Self opens by itself; this is divine yoga. Here the Self is doing the asana, not the body or brain. The Self involves each and every pore of the skin. It is when the rivers of the mind and the body get submerged in the sea of the core that the spiritual discipline commences. There is no special spiritual discipline. When there is passivity, pensiveness, and tranquility of body and mind, do not stick there, but proceed. Here the spiritual experience in yoga commences. No doubt, one may say reading holy books is spiritual practice. But what I teach is spiritual practice in action. As I said at the beginning of this chapter, I use the body to discipline the mind and to reach the soul. Asanas, when done with the right intention, will help to transform an individual by taking the person away from an awareness of just the body toward the consciousness of the soul. Indeed, as I often say, body is the bow, asana is the arrow, and the soul is the target.
An asana must be righteous and virtuous. By righteous I mean that it must be true. You must not cheat or pretend. You must fill every inch of your body with the asana from your chest and arms and legs to the tips of your fingers and toes so that the asana radiates from the core of your body and fills the entire diameter and circumference of your limbs. You must feel your intelligence, your awareness, and your consciousness in every inch of your body.
By virtuous I mean that is must be done with the right intention, not for ego or to impress but for the Self and to move closer to God. In this way the asana is a sacred offering. We are surrendering our egos. This is supreme devotion to God (Isvara pranidhana).
It must not be just your mind or even your body that is doing the asana. You must be in it. You must do the asana with your soul. How can you do an asana with your soul? We can only do it with the organ of the body that is closest to the soul – the heart. So a virtuous asana is done from the heart and not from the head. Then you are not just doing it, but you must instead feel your way into it through love and devotion.
In this way, you will work from your heart, not your brain, to create harmony. The serenity in the body is the sign of the spiritual tranquility. As long as you do not feel the serenity in the body, in each and every joint, there is no chance for emancipation. You are in bondage. So while you are sweating and aching, let your heart be light and let it fill your body with gladness. You are not only becoming free, but you are also being free. What is not to be glad about? The pain is temporary. The freedom is permanent.
That's what my chocolate wrapper said. Seriously, who comes up with shit like that?
Chocolate-love...food-emotion connection is just not good. I mean, it's just food, right?
Judith Lasater had a thing to say there too: "Maybe we crave sweet things to eat when we have lost touch with the sweetness of life itself. Jai!"
As a trainer, I've been able to look at food as fuel and was generally un-emphathetic when clients would share how they "fell off the wagon" over the weekend or ended up at Mc D's drive through after a stressful day at work.
I guess I am "lucky" that my orthorexic tendencies don't allow me to go near a Mc Donald's, but that still doesn't stop me from grabbing pieces of chocolate here and there or picking out the chocolate bits from the kid's Special K cereal. Because, you know, when you eat just little pieces the calories don't really count. Ha.
I'm maintaining my weight since I workout so much, but I can't let go of the thought that Judith is right, as usual.
Have not practiced yoga yet- I'd love to have my yoga room back, but that probably won't happen in the near future.
Edit- Yoga practice completed. Half an hour, just seated easy stuff with a couple of down dogs. I caught myself thinking "oh, I should really practice XY (insert challenging, wobbly, sweat inducing pose here)", but I'm proud to log a "taking care of myself" practice session.
Reading for the day: "How to Do Yoga With Your Soul" from "Light on Life"- BKS Iyengar
In asana [yoga postures] and pranayama [breathing] practice, we should have the impression we are working on the outer to get close to the inner reality of our existence. This is true. We work from the periphery to the core. The material body has a practical reality that is accessible. It is here and now, and we can do something with it. However, we must not forget that the innermost part of our being is also trying to help us. It wants to come out to the surface and express itself.
In the example of triangle pose (Trikonasana), we notice that, because of the relationship of the posture with out anatomy, we all fall into the same traps. Our body seems to be trying to collapse forward to the floor. Our body does not want to open itself in the way we see in a perfectly expressed asana. So we apply ourselves and learn the adjustments that will cause the whole body to open. We extend and redress our arm, lengthen the chest, and open the pelvis. But we also, in the process of applied learning, open our mind and intelligence. An opening is like a doorway, and there is no such thing as a doorway that you can only go through one way. Yes, we are trying to penetrate in, but what is trying to come out to meet us? It is the light of the innermost sheath of bliss (ananda), which means to shine out. Normally we are like a shuttered lantern; our light within invisible. As we create opening, this draws back the shutter, and the light of the lamp shines out.
In this regard, we should also consider how the heart of nature (prakrti) is also willing to help us. The very life force of nature is an initiating power (prerana), a driving force, an incitement to creation. It hears our call and responds to it in proportion to the valor and determined intent with which it is invoked. It responds to the exercise of our willpower, so that an intense aspirant will receive higher benefits than a mild one. There is a saying that “God helps those who help themselves.” This is also true of nature.
When you do the asana correctly, the Self opens by itself; this is divine yoga. Here the Self is doing the asana, not the body or brain. The Self involves each and every pore of the skin. It is when the rivers of the mind and the body get submerged in the sea of the core that the spiritual discipline commences. There is no special spiritual discipline. When there is passivity, pensiveness, and tranquility of body and mind, do not stick there, but proceed. Here the spiritual experience in yoga commences. No doubt, one may say reading holy books is spiritual practice. But what I teach is spiritual practice in action. As I said at the beginning of this chapter, I use the body to discipline the mind and to reach the soul. Asanas, when done with the right intention, will help to transform an individual by taking the person away from an awareness of just the body toward the consciousness of the soul. Indeed, as I often say, body is the bow, asana is the arrow, and the soul is the target.
An asana must be righteous and virtuous. By righteous I mean that it must be true. You must not cheat or pretend. You must fill every inch of your body with the asana from your chest and arms and legs to the tips of your fingers and toes so that the asana radiates from the core of your body and fills the entire diameter and circumference of your limbs. You must feel your intelligence, your awareness, and your consciousness in every inch of your body.
By virtuous I mean that is must be done with the right intention, not for ego or to impress but for the Self and to move closer to God. In this way the asana is a sacred offering. We are surrendering our egos. This is supreme devotion to God (Isvara pranidhana).
It must not be just your mind or even your body that is doing the asana. You must be in it. You must do the asana with your soul. How can you do an asana with your soul? We can only do it with the organ of the body that is closest to the soul – the heart. So a virtuous asana is done from the heart and not from the head. Then you are not just doing it, but you must instead feel your way into it through love and devotion.
In this way, you will work from your heart, not your brain, to create harmony. The serenity in the body is the sign of the spiritual tranquility. As long as you do not feel the serenity in the body, in each and every joint, there is no chance for emancipation. You are in bondage. So while you are sweating and aching, let your heart be light and let it fill your body with gladness. You are not only becoming free, but you are also being free. What is not to be glad about? The pain is temporary. The freedom is permanent.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
40 days
It's been a while since I've blogged, probably a good year or so. I've dropped my old blog and am starting fresh instead.
Over the last half year or so life has taken some unexpected turns and I'm at a point where I need to sit down and evaluate where I want to go. Sounds so easy. In reality, sitting down and not doing anything for any length of time just seemed to elicit panicky feelings and resulted in a) eating chocolate b) doing a 3rd workout for the day c) allowing myself to get distracted by the internet.
I did manage to be still enough to remember what has worked for me in the past.
That was:
- read something positive every day
- practice yoga
- write down 3 things to be grateful for every day
- put distance between me and people who are not good for me
There are a few more, but those were the ones that really stood out.
As usual, I do things backwards, so I've begun with #4. #4 was hard, because I generally like to please and want people to like me. So for me to say "there is no room in my life for you" is hard. Especially when you're forced to deal with this person on a regular basis. And when others will ask what happened.
Anyway, this is just supposed to be a little log of what I'm doing so I stay on track a bit easier.
The title "2 more" is my new mantra. Whenever a workout gets tough I tell myself "do 2 more". 2 is more than one, so you do get ahead a bit faster, but not as daunting as, say 5. You almost always have 2 more in the bag. Baby steps, but still moving forward.
I'll also go and try this for 40 days and then reevaluate. 40 days is a good number for change, so I picked that one. Besides I don't like the number 30.
I'll try to approach this without my usual "bang-it-out-Susa" attitude, where I get so stuck on "have to" and "should" so I will not beat myself up over a missed yoga practice or not writing every day.
Today is Wednesday and since I'll be teaching class tonight I will actually skip this morning's workout. My body is so sore and tired, walking up the stairs feels like it's too much. Yes, a week ago I would have gone to the gym nonetheless and pushed through yet another workout. Gone home depleted and repeated the same thing in the evening. Today's different.
Instead, I'll do an easy yoga practice. And walk.
Edited to add the positive reading for the day:
"Unless we believe in our fundamental goodness, we cannot see the goodness in others. Jai!"
That one is from Judith Hansone Lasater, one of my favorite yoga teachers. If you're around her, it's like insta-calm.
Yoga practice felt good, couple of standing poses, easy balances. Might need to follow a guided practice again though, I'm not doing good left to my own devices I think.
Over the last half year or so life has taken some unexpected turns and I'm at a point where I need to sit down and evaluate where I want to go. Sounds so easy. In reality, sitting down and not doing anything for any length of time just seemed to elicit panicky feelings and resulted in a) eating chocolate b) doing a 3rd workout for the day c) allowing myself to get distracted by the internet.
I did manage to be still enough to remember what has worked for me in the past.
That was:
- read something positive every day
- practice yoga
- write down 3 things to be grateful for every day
- put distance between me and people who are not good for me
There are a few more, but those were the ones that really stood out.
As usual, I do things backwards, so I've begun with #4. #4 was hard, because I generally like to please and want people to like me. So for me to say "there is no room in my life for you" is hard. Especially when you're forced to deal with this person on a regular basis. And when others will ask what happened.
Anyway, this is just supposed to be a little log of what I'm doing so I stay on track a bit easier.
The title "2 more" is my new mantra. Whenever a workout gets tough I tell myself "do 2 more". 2 is more than one, so you do get ahead a bit faster, but not as daunting as, say 5. You almost always have 2 more in the bag. Baby steps, but still moving forward.
I'll also go and try this for 40 days and then reevaluate. 40 days is a good number for change, so I picked that one. Besides I don't like the number 30.
I'll try to approach this without my usual "bang-it-out-Susa" attitude, where I get so stuck on "have to" and "should" so I will not beat myself up over a missed yoga practice or not writing every day.
Today is Wednesday and since I'll be teaching class tonight I will actually skip this morning's workout. My body is so sore and tired, walking up the stairs feels like it's too much. Yes, a week ago I would have gone to the gym nonetheless and pushed through yet another workout. Gone home depleted and repeated the same thing in the evening. Today's different.
Instead, I'll do an easy yoga practice. And walk.
Edited to add the positive reading for the day:
"Unless we believe in our fundamental goodness, we cannot see the goodness in others. Jai!"
That one is from Judith Hansone Lasater, one of my favorite yoga teachers. If you're around her, it's like insta-calm.
Yoga practice felt good, couple of standing poses, easy balances. Might need to follow a guided practice again though, I'm not doing good left to my own devices I think.
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